A Change of Heart

I wrote the blog entry below with full intention of closing my blog. December, like August, like September, was not a good month. Plagued by illnesses and such a feeling of sheer panic for myself and Mr Mista we had started to plan our return back to the UK in the new year. Selling our land and going back to something more manageable, more realistic, less stupid.

I never posted it, and I am glad I didn’t. Reading back today, 2nd February, I am a little shocked at how low I had actually become. But I thought I would share it, if not for you, then for me. As a reminder that in future, I need to treat myself, ourselves, with a little more care and love. After this very low day we decided to switch off totally until the new year. 2015. We wouldn’t talk about the land, the future, the plans, the what ifs and what nots. We wouldn’t spend anymore sleepless nights worrying about what we had done, what we hadn’t, we would stop comparing our lives and situation to those here where no comparisons could be made. And slowly, we got it back together. Daily long walks, good food, plenty of lie-ins and just doing very little but just being, slowly restored us.

And so, here we are again. February. Lots to catch up. Lots to share. It’s good to be back, I hope you are still here with me.

Closing the Book 17th December 2014
It really has been that long hasn’t it. As in I was aware that I hadn’t written any words for several months. Truth be told I just didn’t feel like it. I’ve said it before and I will say it again, writing to yourself is not all that. I spend many a moment chattering away to myself, in private. And writing to myself in private is one thing, writing to myself in public is another. And I think I may stop.

Or rather I may stop writing in public. I am not even being truthful to myself on this blog. Only writing about the good things, the funny things, the things to keep you laughing and reading. I am writing for you. Not me. I am not writing about the despair and frustration we are feeling at living here. The endless circles of waiting and mis-information. The endless episodes of bad luck we seem to constantly have. The bad decisions we have made through and through no fault of our own. The slow chipping away at our confidence and will to do this. To succeed. How I am not even sure if I want to succeed here anymore. How I miss aspects of my old life so much I could curl up under a blanket and never stop crying.

Not so much fun to read eh? Nope. I thought not. But by keeping out the bad, I am preventing the good from coming out too. I need to write about both. About the fun and not so fun. The good, the bad and the plain downright ugly. And I can’t do that in public. I am not so needy that I want pats on the back, sympathy or even told you so’s. I am not so egotisitical that I think everyone wants to hear about every minute detail of my life. And so I am going to withdraw quitely and be, well, unsocial.
And with that thought floating off into the ether I would like to wish all of you a very merry Christmas and the warmest of best wishes for a happy and peaceful 2015.

xxx

2 thoughts on “A Change of Heart

  1. A very open and honest blog Kate, even as your friend here, I don’t truly know or understand what you have both been going through. I hope things get better for you both x

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