Unexpected Visitors

To those who also follow me on Facebook, this is the full, unabridged version.

I was having a little snooze at about 3pm when my mobile rudely awakened me. Prodding me unmercifully it announced that our landlord wanted to speak with me and speak with me now.

I answered blearily.


“Mister Mista?”

Maybe a little too blearily.


“Tosta Mista?”


I can see why he is an officer in the GNR.

He then explained he was at the house. Meaning at Custard House. Our current house. Well, as he obviously wasn’t here I disagreed.

He insisted he was.

I stood my ground, never a fan of cops and there interrogatory manner on and off duty I wasn’t going to be told he was here when he most certainly wasn’t.

I asked if he wanted to come here? He said yes that he did. I said, OK, tomorrow. (Our contract clearly said 24hrs notice for any landlordy visits).

“Nao. Agora (now)”, he said.

“Nao agora. Amanha.” I said firmly.

Whilst speaking on my mobile I tend to wander around aimlessly, it is the purpose of a mobile after all and so I always make full use of it’s mobility.

Mister Mista was stood by me outside, trying to glean some info from me. I pulled faces and gestured exasperatedly at the phone and in doing so turned round to see our landlord and his whole family stood at the back gate to Custard House.

Waving at me, I waved back and, an odd decision I thought afterwards, but I signalled to say I was on the phone and wouldn’t be a minute.

“Ola!” I bellowed, “um momento!”

It was only at this point, only once my ear had heard myself on my mobile, that it registered what was going on. Slightly flustered now and more than a little embarrassed I carried on chattering away into the mobile despite the obvious fact the landlord had hung up and put his mobile into his pocket.

I did that strange running trot people (or maybe just I) do when they are trying to get somewhere quickly but, as an adult, do not want to do a full speed run. A kind of canter, knees and elbows up high but actually only doing very small steps indeed. So small in fact, you actually move no quicker than a purposeful walk. But manage to look like Velma from Scooby Do in the process.

The Velma Trot

Gif courtesy of http://fuckyeahscoobydoo.tumblr.com/page/31

Sensing excitement all three dogs chased me, and due to my obvious lack of speed, soon caught up and pranced around in a similar albeit four legged version of my Velma trot.

On reaching the gate I finally ended the long finished mobile conversation and proceeded to ask what the landlord wanted. He wanted to say hello. Just a quick hello and make sure everything was OK.

I assured him everything was fine and asked if he was fine. He was fine. So was his wife and two daughters. All fine.


So that was that then.

But not.

He asked if he could come in.

The entire pleasantries had been held with me peering through the bars of the large double gates.


The house was not overly tidy and Mister Mista and myself looked uncannily like Onslow and Daisy from Keeping Up Appearances.

Feeling incredibly awkward and more than a little uncomfortable we opened the gates and allowed the family in.

Sock immediately took a shine to the two teenage daughters, firmly and persistently shoving his nose into their crotches. There was little to be done to stop him and anyway I was too busy trying to stop Bandy from jumping up at the landlord and virtually pulling his elasticated shorts down with his sharp little bandy claws. And Mista was trying to hold an overexcited Doofs down from taking off vertically like a clumsy Harrier Jump Jet.

We asked if they liked dogs.

No.  They replied succinctly.


We all stood awkwardly. It was mentioned the grass was long and we tried to explain that Mister Mista had hurt his wrist and was still waiting for it to heal. The hand gesture he did to explain this was not conclusive and probably left much to be discussed at a later date.

The landlord asked if all was fine and we said yes. It was.

We all nodded and smiled at each other.

Doofs suddenly broke free and shot into the house and seconds later reappeared with one of my bras in her mouth and deposited it triumphantly at the feet of the landlord’s wife.

They didn’t stop for drinks.

onslow and daisy

One thought on “Unexpected Visitors

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s